There once was a boy who had no idea who he was or why he existed. His inner life was characterized by confusion and turmoil. From his earliest memories he felt odd, insecure, and out of place; like he would never really fit in anywhere because he was too different. As he grew into his teen years, things happened inside of him that left him feeling emotionally broken and unredeemable. He began to believe a lie. He believed God hated him. He believed he had to hide because even his family and friends would hate him if they ever knew who he really was. So began a life of emotional and spiritual isolation in which the lie that he did not matter and never would grew and grew until it overwhelmed him in every way.
By the time he reached his mid-twenties, he found himself slipping into such a deep darkness, he began to believe he would never see the light again. Part of him knew the voice in his head was a lie and he searched for a reason to fight against the lie but couldn't seem to find it. As he sank further into the darkness, his life became characterized by addictions and self pity until he became consumed with seeking relief from the inner pain by any means necessary. As dissatisfaction increased, he searched for ways to break free from the addictions that he knew were slowly killing him but the lie persisted that none of it mattered because he didn't matter. For years he lived with a picture inside his head of himself as a lost and lonely little boy who only wanted to be cared for and loved. To matter. To someone. Anyone. But he only felt lost and alone, believing no one could ever love him. Night after night he cried himself to sleep hoping that he would never wake up again and have to face another day.
Eventually, his mind was consumed by thoughts of ending his own life. For a period of approximately a year and a half, almost every waking moment was spent thinking about and envisioning ending his life and wishing he could find the courage to carry through on the graphically imagined plans for self destruction. He was so convinced that God hated him and that everyone else would if they really knew him that ending his own life seemed like the only way out. So lost in the darkness of that lie, he was no longer able to receive love from anyone. Or so he thought.
Then Jesus...
But then, Jesus sent a friend into my life to show me who God really was and what the love of Jesus really looked like. It was a long and painful process, but this friend never gave up. Never walked away no matter how uncertain things must have seemed to her at times. She didn't try to change me. She didn't preach at me or tell me I had to get my life together. She just loved me and listened to me pour out the darkest parts of my soul day after day. The more I shared the deepest darkest secrets of my life, the more I began to feel a little spark of hope. Hope that I did matter. That God could love me. That my family could know me and still love me. Hope for a better life.
Fast-forward many years to the present day and I am now able to see God's hand at work through every event of my life. From the time I was a small child, through my teen years and twenties, thirties, and up through the last few months of my life God has been at work to bring me to a place of hope and joy. He has given me a life of love and meaningful relationship. Brought me into a deep and meaningful relationship with Himself. Given me a church family who loves me unconditionally and encourages and strengthens me daily to live more deeply in the love of God.
Music has always been a powerful influence in my life and the last few days I've found myself listening to a song by Phil Wickham titled It's Always Been You. There is a line in the song that says "The moment when I heard You say my name. It's the first time in so long I'm not afraid." I'm so grateful for the day when I finally heard Jesus calling my name; calling me out of the darkness I had lived in for so long and into the light of His love and His truth about who I am.
The song goes on to say "All my life, Your love was breaking through." Now as I look back over my life, I can see that God was there all along patiently working in the circumstances of my life to reveal His love to me in a way that now overwhelms me in an even greater way than the darkness ever did.
My Guardian
Another part of the song says "You are the voice that calms the storm inside me. Castle walls that stand around me. All this time, my guardian was You." That last line has been so powerful in my life since I first heard it. Over the past couple of days, I've looked back and reflected on that lost and lonely little boy who believed no one loved him and I see a picture of Jesus picking him up, carrying him inside the castle walls, holding him close, guarding him, and calling him beloved son. My only regret is that it has taken me so many years to finally trust in His love for me but there is so much comfort in knowing that He was always there. Always loving me. Always holding me. Always faithfully waiting for me to come into the life I was meant to live. A life of overwhelming joy and peace, living as a son of the King. Forever protected. Forever loved. Forever cared for. Forever rejoicing in Jesus as my savior. Forever living in truth. Forever without fear from the lies of the past. Forever knowing who I am in Jesus and, more importantly, forever knowing who God is and His unbelievable, great, and overwhelming love for me.
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